sometimes I hate being a girl---and this sounds RIDICULOUS, but I hate feeling pressured & the responsibility to say no to guys. i am way too nice! I hate that there are constantly guys who try to pursue me...because then it confuses my "niceness" with "how much do I really like them?"

I know i know. I should feel lucky that there are all these guys that are interested. I should appreciate it if anything. but sometimes its just so stressful.

Another thing. Can two random people not just get to know each other, become close friends, with pure innocent intention? Too often I feel like people jump to conclusions so easily, or in a sense TRYING to find some gossip or drama to make out of something that is nothing.

Guy #1: Even though I thought he was interested at first and it was weird because he has a gf, we came to a clear understanding, and i am SO glad I met him. He's going to be the best older brother like I never had. Even better, a great Christian to keep me accountable =]

Guy #2: Sigh. he is the sweetest guy I have ever met, in my life. He's one of those guys that every girl see's in a drama and says "I wish guys would do that in real life, etc.". His approach on relationships and his mindset and values are so similar to me, FIRST TIME I have met someone like that before, so rare, yet so nice to relate to. Yet, I can't tell if im attracted to him or not. He spent 3 hours trying to convince me to go out with him (very sweet), but I think God is telling me im not ready...
A few years ago, he would have literally been my ideal guy (almost). But now, something inside me has changed, and its weird and new to me. Did I just get more shallow? Or am I just more aware of what I want in a guy now? 1. I know I want a Chinese guy 2. I want him to be Christian. These two things use to be so flexible and flimsy, that the character and goodness of the person mattered more to me. Now, its almost as if, if they don't meet these two requirements, im not interested. I am so weirded out by myself right now. I also realize i'm particularly attracted to atheltic guys now, particularly basketball. Is this because of my last boyfriend?! Has he changed what I look for in guy?! What is the source?! My mind is going berserk.

Does it sound so bad to say, I am just making toons of guy friends? And I get along with them so great! I love it! Sometimes I wish I could make more new girlfriends, but thats not as easy for me. Ah, the law of opposite sex attraction...

Im happy where I am right now. Going to Taiwan and away from Atlanta, a necessary trip to get away for a bit. Actually battered up enough courage to go to Sunday school, which I am going to try to do more often now. Constantly meeting new people, and becoming more active in tennis and sports. Now to only see what God has in store for me when I come back from Taiwan...


Aside from all this. I have recently been talking to people who talk in increments of phrases. As in, its almost as if we were chatting online, one thought after another, and they will text me 3-4 texts in a row/every minute, then my phone is just going off non stop for the next few minutes. Can you not just put it all in one text?? >< Why it bothers me so I don't know. and the Worst part about it is that I have noticed I am now starting to do it too. GAH.

Found 2 quotes i wanted to share today. On feelings & emotions.

“The Yogic sages say that all the pain of a human life is caused by words, as is all the joy. We create words to define our experience and those words bring attendant emotions that jerk us around like dogs on a leash. We get seduced by our own mantras (I'm a failure... I'm lonely... I'm a failure... I'm lonely...) and we become monuments to them. To stop talking for a while, then, is to attempt to strip away the power of words, to stop choking ourselves with words, to liberate ourselves from our suffocating mantras.”



“When we are blinded by anger and resentment, we have to come to the realization that the choice to look within yourself and realize that the only way we are going to change the situation is if we change ourselves. Only then will we see things in a different light and begin to make a real difference in our lives, relationships, and our circumstances. People go through life wanting to change things or get different results, but how can anything change if we are not changing the way we think or not approaching things in a different way. An attempt to get different results by using the same way of thinking. Thats what drives people mad. Thats what shatters dreams. THAT IS WHAT ENDS RELATIONSHIPS weather it be a husband, wife, brother, sister, mother, father, or friend.

Always remember a time when things were good and aim towards that. Do anything it takes. Love that person. Embrace them. Stay optimistic. Dont act on your emotions. Stop and look at things from outside of the trunk you're trapped in. Then do something. Don't wait till you wake up one night in a cold sweat beating yourself up because you never made amends and you never will because you just left roses on the casket of a soulless body that you once knew but will never see again. Life goes by in a blink of a second, dont wait till your eyes are permanently shut.”
― Jonathan A. Dublin

I think my friend made a good point the other day... you want to date or be with someone who can uplift you. Who can encourage you, support you, and have faith in you. Personally for me, I want someone who can do that, but at the same time still be able to be honest and a healthy critic to me. That's not contradicting is it? I don't believe it is. It's all about how you approach it.

Sometimes it does hurt when the person doubts you, in a sense almost ridiculing and laughing at you, as if you couldn't possibly do better.

My confidence wavers just a little for the first time. I've never been the type to believe I am an expert or better at something than someone else. I have always seen myself as someone who has constant growth. to realize my mistakes; to learn from my mistakes; to utilize those mistakes and move forward and grow into a better person. I'm always willing and if anything, WANT to hear debates or differences so that I can expand my mind.

But there's a difference between that, and having confidence in yourself and your abilities. Confidence is so much more important than people realize. Without it you can't make decisions for yourself, you wouldn't even necessarily know which direction to take in life. You can't stand up for yourself. You can't believe in yourself--which in turn can effect your other behavior and actions in life.

When does my confidence start wavering? When there is less encouragement and faith & more skepticism and judgement from someone I truly value. Because it just stings that much more.